Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
