Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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