You can't motorboat a personality
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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