Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
