508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
