his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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