in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
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im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
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Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet