update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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