it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
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Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
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Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident