U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE