woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
