There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
