She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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