He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
