I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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