you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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