Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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