I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
