I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
