why didn't you poke me back
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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