Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
