dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
