I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
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Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
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Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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