It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
