There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
