i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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