He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
