the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
