my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
