Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hate your face
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
