Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
