Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Drunk is not a location!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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