well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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