I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
last night I used snow as a chaser
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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