i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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