Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
