based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
