Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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