just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
