dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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