Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
