Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
