Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
