Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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