someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
