weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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