I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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