I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize