Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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