No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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