Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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