Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
