Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
