Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
