your thong is hanging out like whoa
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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