i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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