Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
