dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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