I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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