I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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