Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
