Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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