yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
