I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
