i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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